Is Your Break Up Breaking You?
By Robert Rudelic BS, NMT, MES
One of my clients referred a friend who was really struggling to keep it together during her divorce. She was in survival mode by the time I spoke to her. She was overwhelmed, fearful and struggling to find something that would help her get through the divorce with her sanity and also get what she deserved from the marriage. Staying composed was a big problem since her husband knew how to push her buttons and did so intentionally to intimidate and control her as well as influence their three kids.
She was managing, or as she said “coping” with all the upheaval in her life by drinking and eating way too much and seeing a counselor. She had started taking anti-anxiety medication but it made her feel even worse. None of it was working. With so much on her plate, she felt less and less in control as each day passed and she was getting more fearful about her future.
Breaking It Down
- At the top of her list of concerns were the kids and how this life altering event was affecting them. Even though custody wasn’t an issue, she was worried that the relationship between her and the kids and their father would be permanently damaged. She was scared that she would emotionally fold and fall into being a victim because trying to deal with all of these new challenges was daunting.
NOTE: Not having the right mindset makes it even more difficult because showing up ill prepared and poorly armed to handle the intensity of the emotional drama can leave lasting emotional scars.
- Even though she had a very long and positive relationship with her therapist it was not helping her in this situation. It felt good to talk it out and express her frustration but it didn’t lead to any solutions.
NOTE: Many of the traditional options that are widely recommended to help you through this difficult time are typically not designed to have a high impact in a short amount of time. Often anti-anxiety medications to take the edge off or an anti- depressant to put you in a better mood are prescribed, neither of which are a long-term remedy and can numb you out when you need to be on your game. You deserve more than merely coping and getting through it.
- The worry over the financial arrangements was an enormous area of concern. Throughout their marriage her husband’s business had reached a level of great success. He had mastered that art of manipulation and she knew he was hiding assets and she was unsure of just how much money and resources were at stake.
NOTE: When a break up happens, often looking at all that’s at stake financially is not in the forefront of ones’ mind. It’s easy to lose focus and turn your attention to negative thoughts such as how this split will be viewed or judged by others, or how the kids friends will react and possibly even treat them differently. These fearful thoughts can take over and distract you from focusing on the long term important issues.
- She knew she had to get it together. She needed help because she was determined to be a victor not a victim. She was completely aware that the choices she would soon be making would determine what she would have, who she would become and what her future life would be like.
NOTE: The key is…Emotional Composure! Those who have it win – those who don’t…won’t!
Have you ever wondered why it is that some women so easily stand up for themselves and others cower in the face of confrontation or adversity? If your tendencies are to get frazzled and overreact it can be very difficult to change this behavior on your own. Scientific studies show that most of our decisions, actions, emotions and behavior depend on the 95% of brain activity that is beyond our conscious awareness, which means that 95 – 99% of our behavior comes from the programming in our subconscious mind.
Understanding the Roots of Beliefs – The Subconscious Mind
Our subconscious mind has been programmed from early childhood and beliefs are programmed before the brain has the ability to think critically. Many of our beliefs are formed in early years from what we see, hear and experience. At that time our critical thinking skills are not intact and there are no filters so there is no reason or even a way to question the mind programming that is taking place.
The understanding of this dates back to the Jesuits from 500 years ago when their leaders declared “give me a child until he’s seven years old and I will show you the man.” What that means is if you give me the first seven years of programming I will create what will happen. They somehow knew that no matter what the individual wanted, that it was the subconscious that was going to run the show anyway. So if I could program your subconscious I could control your fate.
In today’s environment a simple example could be that we grow up hearing things like “if you don’t study hard and get good grades in school you’ll never be successful and have a great career”. This then leads to growing up with the unconscious belief that you’re not capable of having a great career, or don’t deserve one because you didn’t do well in school.
Authority bias is the tendency to attribute greater accuracy to the opinion of an authority figure (unrelated to its content) and to be more influenced by that opinion.
Your childhood experiences undoubtedly play a huge role in programming your subconscious mind but it doesn’t stop there. As you get older and go to high school, college and enter the workforce, the more times you are influenced by a certain piece of information, or a way of thinking, especially if that information is coming from a person or source of perceived authority, the more likely it is that the subconscious mind will use that information, as opposed to less commonly encountered information, to form the beliefs that will govern your life and rob you of your ability to think for yourself.
It’s from these experiences that our beliefs, habits, and behaviors are formed. The conscious mind constantly communicates with the subconscious mind which is what provides us with the meaning to all our interactions with the world.
It’s when these unconscious habits prevent us from taking action to change what’s not working they become impediments to being a VICTOR and reinforces the victim mentality.
The subconscious mind is like a programmed computer. You can tell it over and over again to stop playing that same old song, but it will continue to play that same song until it’s reprogramed, and my PowerTapping toolset is like a super software program – with this toolset you can delete the old, obsolete operating system and download a new belief in minutes. When you install the new program you will be empowered and own the life changing skill of emotional composure. You’ll truly be In•vin•ci•ble: Too powerful to be defeated or overcome!
One of the greatest myths is that the lack of self-control and the inability to be assertive and empowered occurs to only those who exhibit low self-esteem or no self-confidence. This is not always true. In my experience, many of my clients are highly professional, clever, articulate women with decades of work history behind them, but when a break up or divorce happens and it feels like life is falling apart, no matter how strong, responsible and intelligent they may be, worry and fear can take over and the reaction to feeling paralyzed by uncertainty is now running the show.
The key is learning to stay composed, not only in volatile situations but on a moment to moment, day to day basis. When you can reduce the intensity of your emotional responses, you will own the moment and you’ll have taken control of your life. The tools you presently have may not be powerful enough to calm you down fast enough to keep your head on straight to make good decisions in the moment. You may need a better set of tools going forward.
When my new client began using the tools I taught her to stay composed by eliminating the buttons he was pushing, it made her feel confident in her decision making and hopeful for her future. It also really unnerved him. Everything he tried to get her “back in line” failed and by behaving this way he was exposing himself to everyone as a bully, people were viewing him as a complete jerk. When his attempts failed to “get to her” he became less aggressive and the process moved ahead with less drama.
What must happen is change must occur at the subconscious level not just at the conscious level. Counseling deals with the conscious level but your behavior comes from the unconscious level and is unaffected by talk therapy. The conscious mind and subconscious mind learn differently. You must change the programming in the subconscious mind to change your behavior.
The 3 things I taught my client about how to be an Invincible Divorcee and have an Invincible Mindset that had the biggest impact were:
- I had her make a short term and a long term plan on how she wanted child custody and visitation to be worked out. I had her focus on the specifics of what she felt was in the kids best interest as well as hers, as she would be their primary care giver. She also needed to make sure she maintained control of future interactions with firm legal boundaries set in place. Once she did this she saw his bullying and coercion in a completely different light.
- I taught her The 3 Minute Rant, a tool from my Invincible Mindset Tool Box that gave her the power to stay composed when she knew he was lying to her and not get triggered by his behavior any longer. It changed her perspective immediately and she was able to easily see through his lies and stay focused on getting what she wanted. After using The 3 Minute Rant for just 1 week she was excited that she had finally found something that produced real results – the kind of results she was looking for, and best of all – she could do it on her own, no therapist required. It truly was an empowering moment. She not only found it highly effective but was she was very surprised how fast it changed her behavior and how fun it was to do. She said “it brought a smile to my face whenever I did it!”
- Then for her day-to-day sanity I taught her a powerful meditation, breathing exercise called AAA Breathing (Abolish Anxiety Anytime) that quickly reduces feelings of fear and anxiety while increasing feelings of hope and self-confidence. In her case it gave her something she could do to keep her fear and anxiety to a dull roar and keep her mentally engaged so she could make good decisions throughout the break up.
If you feel like you’re losing everything remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and prepare for better days to come!
If You Want to Learn How to –
- Own emotional composure
- Eliminate self-sabotaging beliefs
- Have an unshakable “Yes I Can Attitude”
- Bravely stand up for yourself, think ahead, and make decisions with clarity and confidence
My Program is an experiential training that pays off immediately by teaching you how to quickly change your mindset putting you in full control. You’ll learn how to replace the old beliefs with new beliefs and lock them in permanently, be inspired, and own emotional composure. The results are life-changing!
For more information, visit our PowerTapping page.
Tags: break up, breakup, divorce